#do I even tag this as deep cut

[munadrawson]

🌞🌻💖 Click and Open image for HQ! [Commission OPEN] | [Cheap-bi Commission OPEN] | [Ko-fi] | [Twitter] | [Instagram]

Look, I'm no poet but a fluff enjoyer.

BONUS:

"Not in front of his KIDS."

[outlying-hyppocrate]

well. did you fucking miss me.

[batsplat]

“So funny how again in early 2008 there’s an argument to me made that Valentino was the LEAST annoyed with him of the four” ooh what was the Casey / Jorge beef of 08?? I didn’t think those two had any!! Actually would you be willing to go thru all the Jorge beefs of that year briefly? Ik you’ve done him & Dovi and him & Vale a lot more in depth but I’m curious about Casey and Dani…ik some of the Dani stuff but I don’t really get the WHY of it hahaha

okay I've started and gotten stuck on writing a post about casey and jorge's relationship way too often by this point BUT if we're just localising it to early 2008 that's WAY more doable. jorge lorenzo early 2008 drama corner coming right up

Some people think he's - not a show off, but he's a little bit arrogant. Actually he's a really nice guy, isn't he, he needs that bit of arrogance because - when you're on the edge as he is, that's what makes him the champion, the way he is.

^Qatar 2008 commentary excerpt

just as a quick summary of the time span we're talking about. casey is the defending champion, looks scary good pre-season testing, but ducati gets a bit lost after the opening round and he has some pretty messy races. valentino has made the very very high-profile controversial decision to walk away from the tyre manufacturer that had bagged him all his premier class titles and move to casey's bridgestones, which is what necessitates the wall in the yamaha garage. if this goes wrong, if he just loses to his rivals purely on merit, it might actually be over for him. dani was the bloke who was supposed to have casey's 2007 season on the lighter 800cc bikes everyone believed would favour him, and now has something to prove. jorge and dovi are both rookies in the class, having fought it out for two years in the 250cc class. jorge won both titles, albeit on clearly superior machinery to dovi's

here's the opening few rounds (though most of this will be just about the first four):

jorge secures the first three pole positions of the season and wins his first race in estoril. after three rounds, him and dani are exactly tied in the standings - not just in points, but also in countback since they've both had a p1, a p2, and a p3. valentino had a meh first race at qatar after leading at one point, AND is overtaken on the final lap by dovi... but gradually makes progress with the tyres - and by shanghai, everything's clicked. by contrast, jorge's fortunes take a nosedive in shanghai, with a truly massive highside during practise. he rallies and manages to take a fourth in shanghai and a second in le mans (this is the podium where he's on crutches and valentino ends up sitting on his lap for the podium photo)... but after that things go from bad to worse as he has a series of painful, demoralising and confidence-sapping crashes, including one that forces him to withdraw entirely from his home race at catalunya. by this point, he is firmly out of the title hunt - and catalunya is also the race where the season swings back in casey's favour, with the post-race test doing wonders for the ducati. which is where the build-up to laguna starts in earnest

so! with all that context in mind! here's some photos from pre-season at jerez:

I'm sure the photographers just missed the extensive discussions valentino was having with jorge sitting next to him

right then. let's take them in order. jorge/valentino had quite a bit of attached hype to it, where people looked at jorge, looked at valentino, rubbed their hands and went 'surely this isn't going to go well'. (this would've been me.) this energy, right:

This was all done, of course, because Yamaha were fearing, and MotoGP fans were looking forward to, a potential clash between Lorenzo and his team mate, the equally flamboyant Valentino Rossi. But so far, all has been peace and light in the Yamaha garage, a situation possibly helped by the huge wall splitting the garage in two.

(just to give you a sense of how keen everyone was to get things kicked off between those two, the commentators are talking about valentino edging ahead of jorge on the sighting lap of qatar 2008 to take his grid slot first as "just a bit of psychology". like people were ready for these two to go to war)

and there's plenty of evidence that suggests valentino took an immediate disliking to jorge that went beyond just seeing him as internal competition. it's quite likely valentino tried to keep him out of the factory yamaha team, though probably less nefarious plotting and more 'asking yamaha to please not do it'. once he lost that particular war, however, valentino's approach was mostly just not to engage with jorge at all. no stress, no drama, limit both his levels of personal irritation and jorge's opportunities to learn from him. early 2008 valentino also had very 'we move in silence' energy, he's really just working away at getting to grips with the tyres and generating little drama of his own accord. doesn't panic at the adjustment period to the bridgestones or about how his rookie teammate seems to have the better of him in the early rounds... it's obvious by his reaction to winning the race at shanghai how much this meant to him, but he's mostly been shutting up and getting on with it. and while jorge was going on his little drama tour, he was actually at pains not to be publicly starting shit with valentino:

Lorenzo was much kinder to the man he was expected to be at war with. “I see the press and hear what people say, and they have already decided to bury him,” said Lorenzo. “He finished 5th on tires which, apparently, weren’t going very well in the conditions. I think he will be fighting for the win at Jerez, and will be winning races soon enough. I don’t believe that he has dropped his game.”

though obviously valentino won't have been particularly thrilled by jorge getting a win before he did - and I suspect jorge did secretly think he might already have the better of his legendary teammate... way more on that teammate dynamic here, including context for the dynamic headed into 2008

^Post-Estoril 2008

tbh the vibe you get from watching 2008 is that valentino wasn't really thinking about jorge all that much, even during the first few races of the season. if anything, his delight at jerez and estoril kinda makes you feel like he was still primarily preoccupied with casey's results. as long as he felt like he was making progress on the tyres and casey wasn't building up an unassailable points lead, everything else could work itself out

Some say there's bad blood between them, they both say they get on fine together - I've seen them chatting in press conferences all right, but I think there is a little bit of needle between the two of them.

^Qatar 2008 commentary excerpt

moving on. jorge/dovi didn't have anything specific early 2008, but I just sort of assume dovi had this constant low level of annoyance towards jorge - especially immediately off the back of two title fights. he beats out valentino in this list by having had more actual encounters with jorge and more time to build up genuine antipathy. reading between the lines for their dynamic that year... well, they were competing to be the best rookie in the class - and you could argue that contest was way closer than it had any right to be, given the disparity in machinery. jorge the chosen boy on a factory yamaha, dovi scrapping it out on a satellite honda (interestingly, the disparity is described here as lesser than what they had in 250cc). also, fun fact: jorge's first race crash in motogp comes when he's fighting dovi at mugello. dovi had a front row seat, wonder if he enjoyed that

on to casey/jorge. so, I'm going to present these tidbits in a sensible chronological fashion, but I just want to say that I came across them in a completely different order. very different experience. I read casey's autobiography early enough in my motogp journey that I just sort of took him at his word with way too much of what he was saying. so my initial reaction to the early 2008 jorge stuff was going 'lol jorge what a prat' and going about my business. anyways. just thought I'd mention that!

anyhow, obviously these two had already had a few run-ins in the lower categories, including that assen 2004 incident where jorge kinda runs casey off track during the last lap that casey did not take kindly to. AND perhaps the first record we've got of valentino acknowledging casey and jorge's existence!! really fond of that clip idk, something about his 'those crazy kids' energy obviously is a bit ironic with benefit of hindsight

moving on to 2008. here's casey on jorge's chances of making an immediate impact, around a week before qatar:

Ducati’s Casey Stoner, who won 10 races in a dominant 2007 season, said: “We’ll have to see what happens with Jorge. “He has proven himself very fast in 250s by being double world champion. He is obviously a very fast rider and he is learning very quickly with the Yamaha. “But I think it is also very, very difficult to beat what Dani did in his first race in MotoGP. “To finish second in your first race is truly amazing, so I think it is very difficult.”

nothing egregious, I think we can all agree. though the direct comparison with dani probably won't have been particularly welcome. but just keep this in mind when you read the next few bits!

and here, from the qatar 2008 commentary:

And Stoner actually talked about Lorenzo, didn't he, in the pre-event conference - saying, I'm not sure Lorenzo will be able to challenge for the title. He may change his opinion about that after seeing the race here today, but he felt the challenge was more from Rossi and Dani Pedrosa.

ended up being correct, but did he HAVE to say it... aged poorly for the first month or so, you'd have to say. knowing jorge, I don't feel like it's a stretch to say he was motivaed to prove casey wrong lol

as we've already established from this clip, unlike dani and jorge they were at least on speaking terms at jerez

^Jerez 2008 pre-event press conference

casey has a messy pair of races at jerez and estoril, which brings us to shanghai - where, as said at the top, jorge and dani were joint championship leaders. let's bring in a press conference clip!

The season started in Qatar. [...] points - anyway, the riders that do not have good results, they say it starts now. The riders that started good... say that, what I am saying, so... For sure for Casey, starts now.

oh no. jorge. oh you've really done it now. off-hand remark right at the end... bit of hesitation but he just can't help himself. you CANNOT say something like that about casey. he will literally never forget this

and luckily, we know that casey would never forget this - because this incident makes it all the way to his autobiography! here we go:

Despite my first impressions of Jorge in the 125ccs I got on pretty well with him during our days together in the 250cc class but after winning the World Championship in that category twice he seemed to me to have become arrogant beyond belief. I remember after Estoril he said something to Livio like, 'What happened to Stoner? A problem with the head?' He seemed to think he'd broken me in that race and that I was weak minded. He thought his success was the reason for my poor results and clearly had no idea about the problems we had with the camera, not to mention the bike. A couple of weeks later we were in the pre-event conference in Shanghai and Jorge made a smart remark like, 'Maybe the championship starts now for Stoner.' I couldn't believe it and I'd never known such arrogance before. But what Jorge didn't realise at the time was that his confidence, generated by his impressively fast adjustment to riding a MotoGP bike, was a big reason he was so quick in those early races. Confidence is an incredibly powerful tool in elite level sport but it can also be very dangerous, especially in motorcycle racing. He hadn't learnt that yet, but he would.

okay. so. obviously jorge had managed to accidentally stumble across the number one way to get under casey's skin - by implying he was mentally weak. pretty much the worst thing you can say about casey, like yeah you've found the thing he's most sensitive about. congrats. and the shanghai remark was probably not a good idea. but if you watch that clip... I mean. it's a dumb throwaway line isn't it. this is a dumb twenty year old being a bit of a brat. high on his own success in his first few races in the premier class. now just picture casey sitting next to him, thinking that he'd NEVER KNOWN SUCH ARROGANCE BEFORE. casey, he's a rookie, you're the defending champion. and you said he probably wasn't going to be able to compete with you!! HE probably thinks YOU started it

^Shanghai 2008 pre-event press conference

and as it happens, casey doesn't stop there. because this story is what prompts a couple more paragraphs on casey's feelings on the subject of confidence in motorcycle racing, essentially using jorge's rookie season as a case study of sorts into how it can all go wrong. here's how it continues:

When a rider starts to build confidence they push the limits of the bike further and further until they find speed they thought they never had, speed that other riders find it impossible to live with. It is a fine line though. The problem is that as the level of confidence continues to increase so does the level of risk and before a rider knows it he is past the limit. Sooner or later reality bites and in motorcycle racing it bites hard. This is why I am careful to be a realist. If I know I have the tool to get the job done then I can be confident, but I am careful never to ride on confidence alone. Unfortunately for Jorge, just 48 hours after he made those remarks in China it became clear he was in over his head, literally, and he suffered one of the biggest crashes I have ever seen. In the split second he hit the ground and fractured both of his ankles he also shattered the one thing that had taken him to the top of the championship. Once his confidence was gone he had nothing left to fall back on and he couldn't have copped any more of a beating than he did that season. He had crash after crash, bringing him back to earth so hard that he seemed to become scared of the bike. For a while his results were pretty ordinary, considering the equipment he was on.

... okay. I get that they're competitors, and I get that you probably get quite desensitised to crashes if you're a motogp rider. but. uh. this does read... just a wee bit satisfied that jorge had been brought 'back to earth' by way of a series of very very nasty crashes. "clear he was in over his head, LITERALLY" is such a wild way to describe a horrendous highside. you do get just a tinge of schadenfreude about the whole thing, right. slight vibe that casey thought karmic justice had come for jorge after he'd been so arrogant towards casey

should be noted that in the next autobiography passage, casey is quite nice about jorge and essentially said he'd learned from his mistakes and become more pleasant later - plus that casey felt they were both misunderstood in different ways. given all that, though, it is interesting and fun that casey in no way backs down from his initial impression of jorge's behaviour (or if this is him backing down, it's still pretty harsh). you agree he gets misunderstood, you know he was a bit of a mess back then, but you're STILL talking about him like this! never known such arrogance before uh huh

there's also one specific story I'm choosing to leave out here beyond a brief mention - because it is pretty nasty and I'm not sure it entirely passes my own standard of evidence for a story like that. the sparknotes version is that a commentator said casey told him jorge was faking the extent of his shanghai injuries in rather forthright a manner. not out of the realm of possibility given we know casey was pissed at jorge that weekend, we know casey spoke to that commentator that weekend, and we know casey can be a bit weird about his competitors' injuries. but yeah, idk, it's so completely anecdotal that I'm not going to properly include it

and here, just to round things off, is what casey said about jorge before the le mans round:

Stoner, who raced Lorenzo previously in the 125 class, said: “I’ve been racing against the rookies for years, I know they are fast. “There is a lot testing compared to the past so when you arrive at the first race you’ve already done half a season so if they are not comfortable with the bikes by then there is something wrong. Jorge has done a good job so far but I expected this.”

did you expect this?? DID YOU EXPECT THIS?? going from saying 'yeah idk jorge probably won't be able to do what dani did' to saying 'well if he WASN'T fast already then there'd be something WRONG with him' is just classic stuff. never change, casey

on jorge's end, my sense is that he really wasn't thinking all that much about casey pre circa 2010. this is just a vibe, but I kinda feel like jorge's tell for when he doesn't really know what to make of someone is when he doesn't really talk about them all that much... including in that biography of his - where casey features comically little, given how he is like. the defending champion during jorge's rookie season. dovi gets mentioned a reasonable amount given he's kinda unavoidable, but both him and casey massively lose out when compared to dani and valentino. those latter two have Designated Roles in the jorge lorenzo story, whereas jorge just... doesn't know what to do with dovi and casey

an impression I feel is backed up by how jorge frames his viewing experience of the 2008 catalunya race in the biography

 Having watched the race from my room I would like to congratulate Dani Pedrosa for a great race. He rode the best from the start and had a perfect race. I also thought it was a nice touch that Dani showed his support for the anti-guardrail campaign. I had also planned to support the initiative because it is a great cause. Valentino also deserves congratulations for such a great fight back. I’m keen to fight for victory with both of them and if I manage to beat them one day, ‘mano a mano’, I will feel very proud. The pair of them are as different as they are difficult to beat.

who. who was valentino fighting for that second place. who was he fighting for basically the entire race in a repeat of their dramatic duel the previous year. who was the third person on that podium, jorge. who was the defending champion when you were watching that race. jorge. WHO WAS IT

that being said, we do get one short bit in jorge's biography about his early impressions of casey. and it's just too good not to include here:

'The first time I saw Stoner was in the CEV, back in 2000,' recalls Jorge. 'We looked down the entry list and spotted this really young Australian, riding a Honda. Since there were two groups we were able to take a look at him from the control tower at Albacete. He was really fast but at the same time he looked out of control. He was running wide but he kept on the throttle, giving it full gas, the bike swerving all over the place. He is aggressive, very brave and extremely talented, and he rides without fear of crashing. Having said that I think he could get a little more out of what he is doing if he was a bit more lively - if he was more in touch with the fans. He's like Doohan in that respect, but he's happy that way and each to his own, I guess.'

young jorge looking at young casey and going ?? why isn't he working to build his CHARACTER to appeal to the FANS ?? is just so beautifully in-character for both of them

anyway, yeah, that was their early 2008 vibe. jorge being kinda confused by casey but also wanting to prove himself against the defending champion - not as much as he did against dani and valentino, but he was way warier of starting shit with valentino and would never ever have said something like the shanghai thing about him. and casey with plenty of resentment in his heart, maybe chafing at jorge's golden boy status and how everyone was falling over themselves to praise jorge, consistently reserved in his own assessment of jorge - first downplaying his chances and then suggesting jorge had basically been doing the bare minimum. it's pretty likely that jorge would not remember that shanghai press remark if you asked him about it today, but there is absolutely zero chance casey doesn't. and for all that their later relationship considerably warmed later on, in part due to a shared antipathy towards valentino, that's not the kind of thing casey ever quite forgets

MOVING ON to the big guns. now, look, we're not going to get into a full history of the dani/jorge rivalry, it'd take way too long. here is another jorge biography excerpt about the early bitchiness in 2005, you've got stuff in this post about how the rivalry fit into the context of the puig/amatriain rivalry, dani also featured heavily in the motegi 2005 controversy, plus there's that time in early 2006 when mr zero world championships said "I am better than pedrosa and time will judge if I am right or not" and "maybe my rivals are a little scared of me". again, this isn't a full chronology, but they already obviously disliked each other headed into 2008

it's this dynamic of two young athletes vying for the love of their nation... with dani reserved and businesslike and very much influenced by his mentor puig (see also the puig description in this post), coming up against jorge in all his loud-mouthed brashness who is gagging for attention from anyone willing to provide it. the worst thing dani could do was ignore jorge, which is what he was always inclined to do... and jorge unsurprisingly never reacted well

In fact, the constant comparisons with Pedrosa had occasionally got to him. 'Why does Dani Pedrosa, with his boy next door image, get such good press yet I don't?' he'd asked Miguel Angel Violan. 'He used to hate that,' remembers Violan. Juanito Llansa has his own views on the matter. 'Jorge and Dani Pedrosa are completely different. They are poles apart. Dani is cold, impassive, while Jorge is vivacious, sometimes too extroverted. The thing is that Pedrosa started winning before Jorge did and we [Spain] had been going through something of a drought in terms of titles, so people had started watching motorcycle racing again because of Pedrosa. Naturally, the fans had taken to Dani more. When Jorge emerged on the scene, and started winning too, people had got used to Dani's character and thought that Jorge was too cocky. But that's just the way he is! The fans already had their hero, but then somebody totally different came along. Now the fans had to be shared out between the two.'

^Excerpt from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

'boy next door image' hm

which is how we get to early 2008, where jorge starts off his premier class career by securing pole position. and then follows that up by beating (an injured) dani to second place in the race. at which point dani commits the grievous insult of not shaking jorge's hand (x)

So it came as no surprise that Lorenzo fanned the flames of old divisions this week, complaining bitterly to the Spanish daily AS.com that Pedrosa refused to congratulate him on the podium at Qatar. “I have no interest in causing controversy,” the Spaniard told AS.com, without a hint of irony, “but if I see something that’s wrong, I say it publicly, without hesitation. I don’t like the fact that he didn’t congratulate me, but each man must do what he thinks is right. If I’d been in his place, I would have congratulated a rider who had managed to finish in 2nd place in his first race. But then, I’m not Dani Pedrosa.”

'without a hint of irony' lol get him again

and here from the biography:

ER: Jorge, you were on the podium with Dani Pedrosa. Did you say anything to each other? Did you shake hands? JL: In Qatar everybody who saw me on the track - mechanics, riders and race officials - congratulated me on my performance. But Dani Pedrosa didn't. He didn't say a word to me, didn't look my way, didn't congratulate me. He didn't even wave or hold his hand out at the end of the race. ER: And do you think he was supposed to be congratulating you and not the other way round? JL: When somebody finishes their first MotoGP race on the podium, the least he can expect is a wave. I'm not talking about friendship, just a simple raised hand. It's a question of good manners. Everybody is responsible for what they say and do. If I was him I'd have been congratulating a rookie who finished second. Dani Pedrosa disappointed me.

dani DISAPPOINTED jorge :((

which is how you get to jerez 2008, second race of the season, and ofc the presser from which this clip stems

^Jerez 2008 pre-event press conference

by which point the qatar handshake thing had obviously become a big controversy. here, again from the biography:

A mere handshake had become a matter of national debate. Everybody had an opinion on the subject — and since Lorenzo was the only one prepared to speak publicly about it, with Pedrosa opting to state his case silently, Jorge bore the brunt of the pressure. Even members of his own team were telling, him to take the sting out of the situation as soon as possible, 'it always seemed that it had to be him who took the first step,' says Javi Ullate. 'I also made the mistake of thinking that it was down to him to sort it out. It was another unnecessary problem. It was a ridiculous situation, that wasn't getting anybody anywhere. I asked myself, if rivals can't greet each other, then how is it that Pedrosa can greet other riders? He is civil with Rossi and Stoner, but not with Lorenzo. 

all this over a HANDSHAKE mind u

jorge once again secured pole position at jerez - but this time dani took the win well ahead of jorge, whose expected race pace had failed to materialise. jorge ended up finishing third behind valentino

which was obviously followed by the infamous moment where the spanish king forces the two of them to shake hands:

really fond of dani looking at his hand like it doesn't belong to him while jorge sucks at his lollipop

the pair of them have obviously discussed this moment in a great amount of detail since, which we're not going to cover in full. but just to give something closer to the time, here's more from jorge's biography:

'Yeah I'd do it again because I believe that it gives off a bad image when two riders from the same country, representing millions of people, can't get on. Trying to shake hands with Pedrosa isn't a bad thing. It is a good thing, for the sport and for the country. At the time I thought it was pretty unpleasant that he didn't want to shake my hand but it's not the biggest worry in my life. I would like our relationship to be cordial because we're both putting our lives at risk on the track, we're battling fairing to fairing and yes, it is good that there's a rivalry on the track, but off it we should be presenting a picture of the good sportsmen that we are. '

he goes on like this at length. SO committed to the image of it all, to being honourable, respectful competitors... he wants blood in his rivalry but also DIGNITY, man-to-man taking each other on in the heat of battle... again, a dozen films playing in his head, all of which are of extremely little interest to his irritable rivals

anyhow, it's a podium with fun awkward vibes. you've got dani and valentino palling around:

and jorge and dani existing in each other's vicinity:

just continually refusing to acknowledge in each other's presence

which gives us what I find a tragically ignored funny dani moment where he like?? visibly seems uncomfortable with the idea that he's only got jorge close to him before the podium photo, looks over to valentino (currently engaged in extensive shenanigans with the nearest camera), beckons him over, eyes fully glued on him as he makes it to the top step of the podium, leaves precisely fuck all space for jorge, at which point jorge physically pushes dani to the side a bit so that he can stand on the podium without in any way standing close to dani

I'm sorry but this is comical. why does nobody ever talk about this. what are they doing

and lastly we get to estoril, the final race before jorge goes on his injury spree. as stated up front, it's jorge's first win, leaving him tied with dani at the top of the standings. there's not any real CONTROVERSY here beyond the continuation of the general wretched vibes. this time it's dani who looks like he's been force fed half a dozen lemons while jorge is enjoying life to the fullest

and valentino remains proudly committed to Just Vibing

but this race had to get a mention primarily for the follow-up to the jerez podium photo. where valentino is once again the last to stop faffing about, which unfortunately leaves him in a bit of an awkward position when he realises jorge and dani are standing like. a metre apart. and just ends up having to get very close to jorge to make it work. which gives us a very evenly placed podium photo

the beauties of third-wheeling a feud. finally valentino too gets to experience having to navigate two people who loathe each other

anyway! that's your lot. one little baby rookie who has many of his rivals wanting to strangle him after four race weekends. 'flamboyant' 'arrogant' whatever you want to call him... but. y'know. I am obviously a little bit of a jorge lorenzo defender for this time period, and not just because I feel very strongly that he needed a responsible adult in his life and maybe also a hug. dani could have shaken his hand!! casey could have been a bit more chill!! valentino could have spoken more than two words to him!! but that's the fun of it... jorge was annoying, so were his rivals, what a great constellation of irritating blokes. just this little brat rocking up to the premier class and immediately making an impact by pissing off everyone around him. really spiced up the early 2008 season too, gave everyone something to talk about before valentino got back into the plotting and scheming business. we thank jorge for his service

[xxplastic-cubexx]

Honestly your tags are so fun to read every time, i'm almost more excited for them than the actual post (but not entirely because your art is SO GOOD!!!! i adore it). If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying?

i am studying psychology because i refuse to see a therapist so ill figure out whats wrong with me myself !!!!!!!

[astrolotte]

listen guys no listen listen. im just SAYING Pearl has two hands okay she has two hands are you listening im just saying Pearl has two hands

[alexhatessupermarketcola]

I just finished the devil and the deep blue sea for the third time and enjoyed every second.

....what do I do with myself now 😱😂

[jrueships]

What are the psychosexual consequences of the twolves dominance right now

mmm.. i have been Chewing on this...

for quite some time .

so this is a thought i have always had tbh. These playoff results so far have just been bolstering my confidence in it.

Ant and Kat's love is loud love.

The Suns love is no love. Not that they dont have any love At All, because they do. But for each other? Im not so sure. The Suns is Men doing it all for the image of finally being champions so they can prove themselves to the people OUTSIDE their team.

The nuggets is domestic love. It's quiet, it's comfortable, it's won a championship, it's retired love. Retired does Not mean dead, it does not mean completely inactive, it means slower moving, at a personal pace, enjoying what you find to be the thing you wouldn't mind dying doing. Jokic and Jamal don't have to say they're in love 24/7 to let us know they're in love. Jokic doesn't have to talk about horses all the time to reporters for reporters to find out how much he actually does from him always going back to visit them. It's quiet, but it's so strong that it doesn't have to be anything but quiet to know

The mavs is a love built on respect. Wordless, they know they can depend on the other no matter what troubles the other may be dealing with or how much is happening, they Know someone will always be there to get the job done. They KNOW it's not a waste, whatever they're doing .

Kat Needs positive reinforcement, reminisces on it, dreams for it, grows restless and angered without it. Gets real self-conscious and starts faking everything to seem like he has everything so people can start treating him like he's not just some everybody in the world, but a SOMEbody in the world, someone whose opinions, thoughts, actions, and.. possibly most importantly.. WORDS will always be remembered as a meaningful contribution to the world.

Ant is a people pleaser. But he's not the meek, 'let your favorite teacher pronounce your name wrong until the grave' people pleaser where it can be pointed out as a problem, he's a Clever one. He's the kind of people pleaser who can step into a room and spotlight the targets that need the most self-value.. all so He can assure his Own self-value, and protect it. Because, ultimately, the phrase 'everybody loves Anthony edwards' is all about Anthony Edwards, which should be obvious, right? The answer's smack dab in front of your face, but the Confidence. The charisma of it all. Covers it. Conceals it just briefly, just enough for him to get away with it. Ant always knows what to say without even thinking twice. He's such a charmer. Except he's not. He's Always thinking, always brewing up the best ways to become a spectacle. Why even video himself saying that slur shit in the first place? Why not just keep that between him and his friend in the car like probably a good chunk other basketball players do ( because let's be honest. These are probably pretty straight men. They hate people like us. )

He can't. That wouldn't give him the best results in the kind of satisfaction he craves, which is all self based, when boiled down. He HAS to not only impress his one friend in the car with his in power teasing of others who don't even have a clue, he has to try and impress Everyone that he's included in his circle, and he just accidentally included the wrong crowd in that.

Ant and kat together are just two self-conscious people who like being together so they don't feel like they're two self-conscious people who like being together. Love can come in multiple forms, but, in my opinion, love oftentimes needs multiple forms to be at its strongest. When you pour all your love into one bucket, it leaves the others hollow. Love can be quiet, and it can be loud, it can be through words, through actions, through the easy times, AND the hard times, it is love.

I like to call Kat and ant the warped jaren and ja bcs unlike jaren and ja where it can all get spoiled from jaren saying something stupid like 'i love you' when they ARE in love and are just uncomfortable saying it, kat and ant NEED to say they're in love so they can feel like they aren't in it. It being Actual love, deep love that requires more than just pretty words and over-the-top compliments and sayings and comparisons and declarations. Actual love like ant going to kat's house and bringing the rest of the team because he knows kat misses having a stable family, hates the fact that something is missing and he'll never get it back.

Actual love like being awkward with each other

Which they Hate. Terribly. The two of them.

So they'll say how much they're in love with the other, how fondly they think about their memories, how they're so close. They'll tease and laugh and try to instruct the other. And the media laps it up, of course. Especially over the quiet love. It's just so boring in comparison.

Love is thrilling, and it is also boring. Like doing menial activities together like watching the news when you two could actually be the ones on it by doing something crazy together, but you don't, and you aren't, because you both agreed it's going to be a cozy day today where you'll both just be a cute pair of couch potatoes on a sofa watching TV together.

Ant and kat CANT be boring. They CANT just sit in that silence together. They have to say something. They have to know the other doesn't consider them a waste of their time because they don't have that same assurance in themselves.

Love is being scared.

Theyre not scared.

They can't Be scared.

Being down by 2 doesn't mean anything besides we'll bounce back. We're not scared about it. I played well, the shots just weren't falling, but i did good. We are doing good. We love each other. We swear.

We're not scared .

(TV loves confidence)

(Love loves fear)

[organised-disaster]

Aight @baxieblur-turnip and @randosfandos y'all know the drill here it is

SNOWBIRD: CHAPTER IV

I stare at the ceiling. It's quite nice. Wood panels. Inoffensive. I count the scratch marks in it, then the proper holes.

I've just nicked it more than I've actually hit it. I don't especially try when I throw my knife. It used to be Otto's. I feel bad launching it at the ceiling, but it's what I do when I'm bored.

I retrieve it from my drawer. I flick it open and close a few times, running my thumb over the dimpled texture of the green handle while I study the ceiling. I can almost see the shape of a face...

I throw the knife up into a blank spot. It makes a tiny scratch. Not enough force. It sails back down into my hand. I catch it easily, the blunt side of the blade slotting seamlessly between my fingers.

Again. It thuds into the ceiling, between the boards, and I almost think it's going to stay there. It slides out, however, rotating to be blade-first. It pierces the pillow next to my head. How unfortunate.

Again. A thunk can be heard as it stays put. I stand to retrieve it, my bed creaking in protest. The ceilings are not especially low, but Otto's knife is easily within my reach.

It comes away too easily. Not enough force, once again. I stay standing instead of lying down again. I look at the knife in my hand.

I could stop. I could stop damaging the ceiling over and over again, and I could stop blunting the knife. I should stop.

I am only breaking things. No, not even breaking. This is nothing.

This is just more purposeless damage. I am just stabbing the ceiling, the ceiling that can not die, or feel it at all. This is an exercise in futility. I am satisfying nothing.

The sound the knife makes as I personally drive it into the ceiling is very satisfying indeed.

I step off my bed, landing silently on my floor. I allow the knife to say in my ceiling. I don't need it, anyway. I have other, much sharper knives. Better knives.

I pass my empty wall. The spot with four holes in it as if something was once displayed there stares into me, accusing me. I face it, staring back. I blindfold it by displaying Sera's gift. Yumi's warm, grey eyes now bore a hole into my skull, but it's a marginal improvement.

I shut the door quietly behind me. I don't care about the noise I make, but I don't need to be loud. It would feel too small.

My footsteps echo in the empty hallway. There used to be photos in this house. Filling the walls. There also used to be laughter.

The one photo left sits alone on the mantle. I know what it looks like, of course. I wasted many days staring at it.

Yumi is approximately seven. My mother is desperately trying to keep a hold of her, obviously tired but still smiling. Yumi is wearing a large grin, several teeth missing, as she seems to yell and reach toward the photographer.

One of her hands is pushing my mother's face to the side, slightly squishing her smile. My father is holding me, smiling at my mother and Yumi rather than the camera. I look grumpy.

It was taken in winter, so we are all wearing warm clothing. I look adequately cared for, with a knit beanie and fluffy green jumpsuit covering all of me but my face. My father's puffy jacket is an equal green. Yumi's brown sweater matches the one our mother is wearing. Yumi had to be wrestled into that sweater.

It's a lovely, lively photo, full of warmth and happiness. It reflects nothing of what we are now, though. It's almost like looking into a broken mirror.

You know what's supposed to be there, what it's supposed to look like, and it just doesn't. You can tell what it was. You can tell what it did. And it will never be what it was again, even if you fix it.

It's far more complicated than a broken mirror, though. We've lost all but two of the pieces, and one is so dirty and scratched that it's functionally worthless. We don't even have the glue to put those two pieces back together.

I hate the year-old girl in that photo. I hate her dissatisfied frown and barely visible black hair. I hate her chubby, tiny, tightly balled fists. I hate her innocence. I hate her ignorance.

I'm not looking at the photo now, though, so there is nothing immediately in front of me to hate. At least until I reach the mirror. But I already know what I look like. I will just ignore myself, like always.

I wash my face for the third time today. I should apologise to Sera. I should also never speak to Sera again. I should also lie down in the sand and wait for the ocean to claim me.

It's unclear what order I should take those actions in. Logic states that the ocean will take up far more of my time than begging for Sera's forgiveness and exit from my life.

I do not like logic. It is normally against me. I don't really want to talk to Sera right now, either. I don't want to talk to her, full stop. She'll come to me, talk to me, convince me to talk to her. She always does.

Of course, the Reaping is soon. I have several hours to kill. Normally, I'd spend this time with Sera. It would be tense, and there would be something inherently sad about it, but we would have each other. And that would be how we held each other together.

But not today. I won't lose this. I don't lose. It isn't something I do. I don't need Sera. I need her like I need a gaping head wound. I need her like I need the knife in my ceiling. Gods, I hate that knife.

I hated Otto's urgency as she pressed it into Yumi's hands before pressing an equal kiss to her lips. I hated my father's soulless eyes as he dropped a box of Yumi's things on my lap. I hated the message at the bottom of that box.

I hate that message.

I twist the tap violently enough that it must have bruised my hand. What a shame. The tap drips for a moment, then realises it's done with its job and ceases. The ensuing silence is decidedly agitating. It is broken by the sound of the door creaking open.

I will not look in the mirror. I will not acknowledge who is staring back at me, and I especially will not acknowledge who is behind me. I bring my hands behind my head, gathering my hair into one area.

I make sure to keep my eyes closed. I slide my hairband off my wrist and wrap it once, twice, three times around my ponytail until it is tight and stays in its place just behind where my head curves. I drag the towel across my face, mildly hoping it'll miraculously turn into steel wool.

I push past the man with the unshaved face and uncombed hair. I do not speak to him. He has missed his chance. He lays a hand on my shoulder.

The father makes some semblance of an attempt to speak to his daughter. The daughter coldly brushes away her father's hand.

My gait is not hurried, but most would fall behind. I don't know where I'm going. I suppose I'll find out when I get there. More people are around now. Most of them are Peacekeepers.

Preparing for the yearly slaughter, of course. It's a miracle Annie won the last. The poor girl snapped like a twig the minute Moor was beheaded. I don't blame her.

We were... not friends. Never friends. I knew her. It wouldn't be right to say that I know her. But we interacted, and I didn't hate her. She's how I knew him.

I remember how she trembled in the chair she looked too small in when her other friends rushed in to wish her luck and comfort her. He would have loved to, but mentors aren't allowed to.

I don't envy her. Or him. Nothing good came of their victories, aside from the food parcels for District Four. He's off in the Capitol being treated like an object, and Annie is... hopefully still breathing.

Perhaps I should visit her. There was far too much screaming coming from her house in Victor's Village for a woman who lives alone the last time I tried to check on her, though. It's best that I stay away.

Seth is about her age, I believe. They've never once held a conversation, but Seth has a way of speaking without his voice. He is very regular with his visits to her.

He looks almost identical to his sister. Messy blonde curls that spill easily into his eyes and tie themselves into knots around his ears, dulled-gold irises, a constellation of freckles across his nose and cheeks, a solid, strong build. One of their very few physical differences is his facial hair, which isn't much more than some thicker patches of fuzz at the moment.

I'm told he's very handsome by his many fans. I don't see it. He's just a male version of Sera, so feasibly I should be able to see it, but it just doesn't appear to me. Perhaps it's his lack of everything that I find sweet about her. Sera's face in my vision every day for almost two decades could have warped my perception of what "good-looking" is...

Most people assume Seth is mute or deaf or both, but he turns when someone talks to him, and he responds with a mumble or vague noise if I ask him something.

Seth is... strange. He's oddly fascinated by seaweed and the like, wasting all his free time poking at samples of it pulled up of fishing trips. He doesn't feel anything until it's applied tenfold, and even then, it doesn't appear to bother him. He'll just stare at people if they talk to him.

He talks to his friends the most. They adore him. It's understandable, with his inexplicable odd charm. It was easy to assume at first that they were just acting like they liked him because they found it funny.

They're genuine, though. They gather, the five or so of them, without him occasionally. I once walked past them as they were talking, and he was mentioned many times.

They talked about how odd it was that he knew so much about seaweed, but changed it immediately by talking about what he knew and how interesting it was. They discussed if they should bring Seth along to an event, mainly debating if he would enjoy it. One of them mentioned a rock Seth had given him, holding it out and praising it.

I don't consider myself jealous. It made me wonder for a moment if that was how the people who knew me talked about me when I wasn't present. I felt relieved for a moment. I am not one to try to deny facts, however.

I'm not blind. I saw the glares Seth's friends gave me.

One of them was Otto's younger brother, Oswald. She had two, him and a boy named Fayrouz, who's now about thirteen. He hates me now, but I would sometimes see him when Otto came over to talk to Yumi.

I remember her fairly well, although I didn't know her as greatly.

Otto loved green and wore a lot of it. Mainly deep sages, but I'd occasionally see her wearing an almost blindingly lime shirt. She was one of the fishers and had the build to match. Her burnt umber skin was lined with scars, especially her hands, and her whole body rippled when she flexed.

She had distinctly sharp features, much like the Esthel twins. Unlike them, though, her caramel-colour gaze could easily cut diamond. Her face was also more square, drawing attention to her high, ever-bruised cheekbones. She would always wear her black, curling hair in a low ponytail.

Oswald and I talked a little then, while our sisters were busy with their schoolwork and their gossip. He's a nice enough guy. Or, he used to be, anyway. He has a lot of friends. Sera is one of them.

He's very fond of her. She's ushered me out of her house so she can talk to him before. It makes sense. He detests me, and Sera likes him for some reason, so she keeps us separate.

Mechi sometimes brings up how Ozzie being alone with Sera doesn't bother me, but them being alone does. I don't really have anything to address that. I can't really take him seriously, I guess. I know I'll never have to worry about Sera preferring him to me.

He looks just like Otto. His hair is curlier than hers, and he keeps it cut short, but very similar. His eyes used to have her same piercing quality, but now they smoulder when I look at him. He didn't use to try to look like her.

It's for the opposite of the reason I keep my hair long, I'd imagine.

When Yumi died, it was like his older sister had died all over again. But at least there was someone he could rightfully blame. He likes it when we're partnered together in training. Especially when weapons get involved. He never wins, but he doesn't care.

Yumi's swap was considered "a shock" and "a display of friendship." Mine was called "a tragedy" and "unjust" and "stealing."

Otto loved Yumi deeply. And then Yumi was called, and Otto couldn't imagine life without her. So Otto took Yumi's place without a moment's hesitation. Yumi was comforted and consoled, and Otto was mourned as a dead woman.

Yumi cared for me. And then I was called, and Yumi felt that I was her responsibility. So Yumi took my place without a moment's hesitation. I was scowled at and disregarded, and Yumi was mourned as a loss.

It's not unfair, not exactly. Yumi was all kinds of excellent, but Otto was different. Colder, but still as caring. Less patient, but still as willing to listen. She gave solutions when presented with problems.

I remember her voice being smooth and warm. Much like someone else's. I didn't cry at her funeral, either. Rumi Erudite doesn't cry.

There was so something so utterly tragic about Otto.

It doesn't matter, not anymore. She's dead.

Ah. So my destination was the beach. Logical. It's nice this time of year. Victors will often stop here on their tours.

I don't feel anything when I sit down in the sand, just ahead of where the waves lap at my feet. I don't want to get saltwater on these shoes. And I don't like the way the waves move. I don't like the way they're getting closer to me.

Some part of me laughs at that. They're waves. They can't be malicious. They can't be cunning. They can't be evil. They can't... hate...

I shake that away and shuffle further up the beach.

It would be nice if I could feel what I felt three hours or so ago. It would also be nice if I could describe that feeling. It's childish that all I know is that I feel it with Sera, childish that I know nothing of my own emotions.

I wish my appreciation of the sunsets and sunrises wasn't linked to Sera. I wish my best memories didn't involve her. I wish that I didn't feel short of breath when she laughs.

I wish, I wish, I wish...

How childish. How naïve. How old am I, really? That I'm stuck wishing and hoping and whining? I hate that. I hate it all. I hate Sera.

I stare out into the ocean. I normally try to identify the boats on the water, but it's all been put on hold for the Reaping. The ocean surface is empty. It's slightly odd. It's very much non-standard, but it isn't alien.

It's sort of like when the birds all fall silent and leave the skies when a storm is brewing. It's not like it isn't normal. It's just not a good sign.

No boats means a child of District Four dies.

I remember when Sera would come home from storms. If she was caught in one, it'd be because they blew in before they could react. I'd wrap a blanket around her shoulders as she laughed about how she had been thrown overboard and hauled back on more than once.

I've noticed a pattern with Sera. Every time something bad happens to her, she just... starts joking. It's like she can't take it seriously. She refuses to acknowledge her own injuries. I'll usually have to drag her over to Cod. The only time she's taken herself there was when she accidentally cut off part of her ring finger while chopping carrots, and even then, she still tried to deflect it as okay for about thirty seconds. She worries me sometimes.

One night after a storm, Sera didn't laugh. She knocked on my door and waited where she would normally just let herself in. Even when I answered, she just stood in front of the door, dripping wet from the pouring rain with her head hanging. I could barely hear her when she asked to come inside.

I wonder if it's possible to purge memories. The ones after Yumi's death are all blurred. Those aren't gone, though. I want them gone entirely, so I wouldn't even know that I was remembering them strangely.

Alas.

The ocean's calm, at least.

"Rumi." I jump slightly. The newcomer's soft voice surprised me, somehow so much louder than everything else. I glance at the sky instead of her. The light's changed. I have no idea how long I was staring out at the mostly-flat ocean.

I identify her by the stitching at the hem of her shirt as I turn to watch the ocean again.

"Figured I'd find you here," Mechi says vaguely.

"Yes, well..." I respond, equally non-specific.

There is more silence. I assume Mechi is admiring the sea.

"You made her cry, you know," she says after a few minutes.

"Okay." Mechi sighs.

"Showed up on our doorstep," she furthers.

"Okay." Mechi shifts next to me.

"She was bawling her eyes out about how she upset you. She blames herself for every little thing you do, you know."

"That seems like her problem."

"Gods, Rumi, don't you care? You're her best friend," Mechi says, irritated. I finally turn to her so I can glare at her.

She's exactly as she always is. Blank. Mechi does not show her emotions much. It's not deliberate, I don't think.

"Why should I care about what Sera blames herself for? Why should her issues be mine, too? When did I agree to that?" Mechi flexes her hands.

"When you became her friend, that's when," she says, maintaining her composure. I turn away from her. Mechi sighs again. "It's sort of difficult to calm her down when she gets like that, you know." I do know. I've known Sera for longer than she has. I hate it when people act like they know her better than me.

"She loves contact, yeah?" Mechi continues. "Likes having her hair fixed, likes being hugged, likes being held. She loves to have somebody wrap their arms around her." Mechi pauses for a moment. "Affection. From someone she trusts. That's all she really needs."

There's another long pause between the two of us.

"To make her feel safe again. You know how it is."

She's saying all that like she did it. That's all oddly intimate for someone who's just her friend. Mechi's not close to her like I am. I'm the only one who's allowed to do things like that. That's what I do with Sera, not her. That's ours, not hers. And I don't like what she's implying with that snarky little last comment. The sand crunches in my clenched fists.

"You're too cruel to her. You're on a good path to lose her, you realise." She really thinks she knows what she's talking about, doesn't she? "I can tell when she's upset. I can tell when she's scared. I know how she gets when you get angry."

Oh, of course. Because Mechi knows everything, apparently. She acts like this sometimes, like she's the smartest person in all of Panem. She acts like she's so much better than me.

Sera doesn't "get" anything when I'm angry. She knows it's not really her fault. It's not even directed at her most of the time. I always apologise to her afterwards, too. I hate to see her upset. Which I recognise better than Mechi.

Mechi doesn't have any right to assume things about me and Sera. She knows far less than I do. And she's making me angry. I bet she's doing it on purpose so she can lie some more and say that I'm always like this. Fine then. If she wants me to be angry, I'll get angry.

"Really?!" I snap at her. She doesn't flinch. "You really have the audacity to say that?! I've known Sera for fifteen years! You've known her for - for not even a third of that! Do you think you're even remotely capable of knowing her like I do?! Do you really think that you - "

"She says you scare her sometimes," Mechi says levelly, cutting me off. "She says you aren't really yourself."

I don't scare Sera. We're friends. She's not scared of me. She knows me. Maybe... maybe once, years ago, I did scare her, but we talked about that! And besides, she'd tell me if she was afraid of me. She wouldn't tell Mechi instead. She wouldn't hide her feelings from me. She wouldn't betray me like that.

I know Mechi's lying. She's doing it to make me angry. Sera would never betray me. Sera would never say that I'm not myself. She knows me. She knows who I am. She's the only one who does.

Mechi is a liar.

"You've got an excellent tactic right now, actually," she says, still daring to speak. "You're absolutely awful to her, then you tell her you care about her and act so sweet about it." How dare she. How dare she. I'm not. I'm not anything she says I am. I'm nothing she says I am. She's everything she says I am, if anything! She's the -

"What, are you just going to sit there and get redder?" Mechi prods. She's waiting for me to come to any kind of a conclusion on my own. I have a conclusion for her. I have so many conclusions for her, and right now, a lot of them end in her blood decorating the sand.

"You don't know anything about us!" I shout, going in the least violent direction. "I care about Sera! More than you ever could! And I -"

"You're doing such a great job manipulating Sera, Rumi."

She's so pretentious. She's so smug. She's so proud of herself. She thinks she knows me. She thinks she knows Sera. Sera is my friend, not hers. Sera spends the most time with me. Sera is mine.

She's mine, all mine. Mechi should give in. She's mine. She's not Mechi's, she's not Tyra's, she's not any of those stupid boys', she's definitely not Ozzie's. She's mine.

"That's why she's afraid," Mechi says, so quietly. I must have said all that out loud. I don't care. It's true. She knows it's true. And she knows she's lying.

Something breaks. Some restraint I was keeping, it's gone. She thinks she can say all that. All that without consequence. She thinks that because she's just oh so important, she can do whatever she wants.

I wasn't raised to take disrespect like that. I wasn't trained to tolerate attitude like hers. And I won't.

I strike her, hard. It knocks her over, and she cries out. I stand. She rubs the side of her face. She looks up at me. Where have I seen that expression before..?

I don't care. I don't care.

"Stand up," I snarl. She's afraid. She's cowering at my feet. She didn't expect to be hit.

Something tugs at me, at the back of my mind. I ignore it. I demand that Mechi stands up again. This time, she obeys. I hit her again. It doesn't... do as much this time.

I hit her with just as much force. I think.

I punch out at her again, but she brings her guard up and blocks it. I am abruptly reminded that Mechi has had nearly identical training to me. She sends a violent blow into my cheekbone, causing me to tear up.

I punch her in the teeth on my rebound. Her hand instinctively flies to her mouth. I take my opportunity and kick her knee, knocking her down.

I bring my own knee violently into her face.

It doesn't occur. So I bring my own knee violently into her face.

Don't I? She's at the perfect angle for it. It would probably break her nose. So I bring my own knee violently into her face.

But I don't. I stand. Useless. Mechi looks up at me. She swipes the back of her hand across her mouth, stepping up and away from me. Her face softens.

"I can tell you aren't trying," she says quietly. She doesn't even have a lisp. "You don't really want to hurt me. You're just angry."

"Shut up," I hiss. There's a good, cold fury in my voice. Mechi's expression is one of pity.

"You only did that because you hate that what I said was true."

How many times do I have to tell her? How many times do I need to bruise her? How many times do I need to split her lip?

She is a liar. I love Sera. I don't hurt her. I hate hurting her. I don't mean to. I mean it every time, and I regret it so much more every time. Something in me always whispers that she deserves it. Something in me is wrong. Some part of me is broken.

I must be doing something stupid with my face.

"You need to go talk to her. She loves you, Rumi. And you keep on breaking her heart," Mechi says, her voice weak and wavering. I mishear what she says next. I must've.

Because otherwise, Mechi just said that Sera is going to die.

Mechi wipes one of her eyes.

"I tried to talk her out of it. She said she didn't have a choice." Something icy spreads in my chest.

"She's rigged the Reaping, Rumi. For you. It's going to be her. I don't know why. She could have done anything else." Mechi is lying. Again. She must be lying. She must be. The ice creeps up my spine.

"Does she have a death wish?" I demand, although it's more desperate and pathetic and on the verge of tears than actually demanding. Mechi laughs, cold and hollow.

"Same thing I asked her," she mutters. "She didn't tell me. She just gave me this sad smile." I grab her, seizing her by the collar. The ice reaches my arms. I will not let go of her until she tells me the truth. Mechi reaches up to try to free herself, her hands landing on my wrists.

"I don't believe you," I hiss, more strangled than I would have liked it to be. It's true. I don't believe her. I won't believe her. I don't want to. Mechi shakes her head.

"It's what she told me, Rumi," she says, voice low.

My veins freeze over.

"It's my fault that she knew," Mechi says, shame colouring her face. "I overheard a guy we know, I forgot his name, bribing Papa to rig it to be you." Mechi squeezes my arms tighter.

"He accepted. Because he's shameless," she mutters angrily. "So I told Sera, because what else was I supposed to do? Let her watch you die?" she spits. Her words boil with anger and resentment.

"She got him to make it all her name," she says, some of the hate leaving her voice to make room for defeat. "He wouldn't listen to me when I asked him to just drop the whole thing."

Tears drip down her face as her posture weakens.

"He hates the Kaishurrs. He was basically being paid to kill one of them," she says. "I don't know what she's planning to stop you from volunteering, but Sera's smart. She's going to be in the Games." I release her, staggering back. I am cold. I am unnaturally cold, on this nice, warm morning.

The ocean laughs at me.

The ice does not release its horrible grip as my body starts to move. Mechi moves out of the way as the beach rushes past, the sand giving way to earth and the earth giving way to concrete.

My chest tightens. I can't breathe.

My feet carry me forward. I can't see. All I can hear is my heart hammering in my ears. And Mechi's awful words, echoing over and over again.

She's going to die. She's going to die. She's going to die. She's going to die, and it's my fault.

I can't go fast enough. My top speed is not fast enough. I am not strong enough. I can't save her. We're both going to drown.

Blood is spreading through the water like a grim plume. Rain is cutting into us like knives. I can't save her. I can't save her. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can'tIcan't. Ican'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan't.

WhyisnobodyherewhyisnobodyhelpinguswhyisshenotbreathingwhyamIuselesswhyamIworthlesswhycan'tIsaveherwhywhywhywhywhypleasepleasepleaseI'msorryI'msosorrypleaseopenyoureyespleaseplease -

A scream tears at my throat, but it comes out as a stream of bubbles, and comes back in as suffocating, surrounding water. Every desperate, sprinted step hurts. Everything hurts. My clothes feel heavy. Seawater burns my eyes and nose.

We will drown. We will drown, and it is my fault. She hadn't insisted. I had a choice. We will die. I am drowning. I am drowning. I am drowning.

I can't breathe. I can hear the ocean. Crashing waves. Dragging me down with no remorse. No mercy. No care.

Water roars in my ears. It hates me. It's always hated me. It let me feel safe for a long time, so I'd let my guard down. So it could kill me. It's docile when I see it, when the sun shines.

It shows me its true nature when it storms. It shouts at me, comes for me, hungers for me.

I fear it. Not when I am not alone. It doesn't dare touch me when I am not alone. But I know how cruel it truly is. It hates.

It consumes me. It swallows me whole and does not notice. It does not care what it is doing to me. It does not care how it seeps the life from me.

I can't move fast enough.

She comes into focus. Her face. Her head. Her mouth. The blood around her. The blood on the docks.

She turns to face me. I see her eyes widen. Through my pain and my rain and my desperation, I see her.

My arms come around her body. We fall to the ground. The solid, dry ground. I fall into blood-spoiled blonde curls and the forever poisoned scent of petrichor and saltwater and rotting wood and blood and exposed bone and desperate screaming and tear stained cheeks and regret and pain and lasting injuries and warm nights and happy embraces and death and love and loss.

I'm sorry, I tell her. I'm so sorry.

[transannabeth]

*

[arolesbianism]

Breakcore may not be a super strictly defined genre but I swear ppl will call anything that has noises at all like y'know music has like just normal ass music from any other genre breakcore with a straight face and I just have to sit there and try to not reveal I'm a pretentious fuck when it comes to this stuff

[gatsby-system-folks]

I have a lot of thoughts about ai and most of them are sad

[osshisan]

i am NOT going to get emotionally invested in that theyrebasicallycanon poll but god it’s kind of funny to see “stinky anime people” comments coming from fans of a show with clip-art knickknacks for characters. and also wow some of you are terrible at character analysis

[parade-ofdevils]

I should be held responsible.

[puppyypawsss]

It’s really fun and really cool when ur mom dismisses ur anxiety and makes u feel stupid and crazy and AAUUUHHVGBHHH.

[seamistgale]

*digs my lost tags up from the ether* uhhh… what did i have in my drafts….?

Dangerous and equally Volatile bf Dan with his Positive Exposure boyfriend who has Experience with Anger Issues like you wouldn't imagine.

He lets Dick most of the moral heavy-lifting decisions instead of defaulting to violence now, bc the Sudden and Unexpected, but Not Unpleasant Codependance has a chokehold on his emotions and need for positive reinforcement. It's nice not to have to worry about things he doesn't get anymore, yk? Who cares if a couple of cities get leveled? Not him, that's who. Dick would though. He'd be so angry. Dan can deal with angry Nightwing-- he can't quite deal with a disappointed, anguished Dick that's angry at himself up because 'maybe i didnt help you when you needed me' Grayson. It's like Jazz crying for him. because of him. It hurts.

Babs thinks it isn't healthy, and has said so and tried to reason with Dick bc you have to see this can end up terribly, right? Given their history, this situation in particular sounds familiar (Dick butting his head where people don't ask him to.) and they've been here more times than she wants to keep count of.

Dick knows he has his bf on a bit of a 'hey tell me whenever u got The Urges babe' leash, but counters that it's helping?? He might be fumbling a bit in the dark on how to phrase things in a way that a) Appeal to Dan's sense of feelings-driven logic thing he has going on, b) Doesn't come up as manipulative because the intent isnt to, to restrict but help his bf redirect all those extreme impulses into good things. bc he believes in him. He's already used to being a good chunk of the hero community's morale booster, and he'd like to say his own moral compass is usually pretty accurate. With Dan he can roughhouse a little bit. just a little. Apparently playfighting is healthy, and by god does he still have some good old flare ups on that suppressed anger he keeps under wraps a goos 80% of the time.

Meanwhile, Dan lets his bf try to be sneaky, it's funny to let him think this whole 'I can fix him' rabbit hole. It would make him angry usually, but Dick's so sincere about caring for him its just… nice bc it reminds him of the family that got taken away from him amusing instead. yeah, that. He goes along with these silly exercises and gets some dates out of it. Oh hey, is that a hobby he actually enjoys? huh, he thought he wasn't capable of those anymore, but whatever. He's pretending, alright? He knows he's a monster, and you can't just un-fuck a ghost, or something. They're all violent in some way or another, that's how they all are. He mentions as much to Jazz with a shrug, because well, its true.

Jazz, making use of her hard-won professionalism, keeps her lips sealed this time. She prods a little, keeps count, and watches as the two prowl around each other like a couple of cats learning to live together. She thinks they're good for each other; sure, codependency isn't something anything rometely positive on any other health professional standard, but this is a halfa ghost made out of two people, and a vigilante that protects the (second, now?) most crime-infested city in order somehow.

Dan CAN change, he just doesn't want to think about it, won't admit it. It's good that he's letting someone else help with things he can't; with his issues around people leaving him, pushing people away via anger, and control issues surrounding himself, it's a miracle he hears Dick out let alone allow him to sway his decisions. He trusts Dick to help. From her perch, Dan's whipped; but she won't be the one to say it, because she knows he's stubborn enough to try to prove her wrong. Jazz isn't going to put ideas in Dan very talented hands for self-destruction and be a homewrecker.

And Dick…? Jazz doesn't know him as well, and assuming is a pitfall, but she also kinda has to judge him a bit, she's dating one of her baby brothers after all. He sounds like he also has issues dealing with control, but on the other way around; it's not malicious trying to gain control of your life, but whenever that extends to others, people tend to fall on the tin balancing line between trying to be helpful and being overbearing. Dan giving Dick agency over some of his decisions probably soothes that sort of compulsive urges too. They keep each other from being a worse version of themselves, at least-- and on the better end (which is the one she hopes for) they'll probably keep developing routines that keep uplifting each other.

Danny would love to stop being Jazz's soundboard about Dan's love life with (the first robin!!! whoa!!) this Totally Random cop that didn't get the ACAB memo. He's SO ready to make popcorn for the inevitable day Vlad finds out his sort-of son is dating Brucie Wayne's son though; those two get along like oil and water.

(funny prompt)

Dick: Were you serious about becoming the final boss?

Dan: Ha ha. Do you think I'd go along with a sweet deal planned by someone else?

Dick: I don't think you did...

(Not sure if I really understood this prompt, but I had fun lol)

Dan: I would kill for you, Dick. I would tear apart this world and gift it to you on a silver plate with a necklace made of stars and a ring of sunlight. Whatever you want, it’s yours 😊

Dick: … okay. So could I ask you to not take over the world?

Dan: No ☺️ Make a list of who you want to save, I’ll spare those people, but that’s it.

Dick:

Dick: *flattered, horny, and very, very afraid*

[k1dnothingboy]

why is the only thing that works self harm again